If i2cdetect does not detect the hat, that everything else won’t work either. Did you restart the system (probably yes, but just to rule out the obvious)? Did you run id and checked if the user “chris” is in the i2c group?
If the I2C device detection is flaky, then either the connection is not good or the device is faulty.
If possible, also test without the phat stack to rule out another source of problems.
If that does not help, I suggest that you write to support and ask for a replacement linking to this thread. I think you checked everything that is possible.
Yeah same thing without the phat stack, also tried on a completely different RPI4 and the same issue. Thanks for you help, I’ll give support an email later